Addiction and the holidays
Have a drink, they say. Let's celebrate!
I've always been a fan of the holidays.
Thanksgiving ... the food, smells, and friendsgivings. Christmas ... and the decorations, family and cheer. What once was an innocent celebration started to become an excuse to throw a party and an excuse to drink. Sure it was socially acceptable to drink at a party, but as the years went on friends began to see that the party had control over me.
When the last guest departed, I would pop open the bottle that was given as a host gift and continue to indulge in isolation. I would sometimes pass out until the morning, where I would have gaps in my memory of the night before. As time went on, passing out became the norm and the gaps became larger and larger. The pieces of the puzzle were becoming even more difficult to put together.
As the years went on and my friends and family were keenly aware of my relationship with alcohol, I no longer drank with company. Instead, I would host gatherings and drink water until I was finally alone. Instead, I would engage in social events and order a soda. Sometimes it seemed like an eternity until I was able to do so. It was a race to get home so that I could take that sip. It was a relief when I was finally home alone no longer in the eye of others and able to engage in my nightly routine.
Having just experienced my first holidays being sober, I am thankful for no longer feeling disengaged and isolated but instead feeling engaged, visible and extreme togetherness. I wish you all a wonderful holiday season and a great New Year!
See you all in 2025.
ADDICTION HAS NO BIAS
Addiction has no bias. Never did the girl that followed all the rules think that she would be an “addict” by her mid-20s. Never did the girl that made straight A’s in college think that she would fall victim to addiction. Never did the woman who obtained her Doctorate degree think she would risk it all … for alcohol.
Surely, the social activity that was the “norm” was harmless. The nights out in college, the routine glasses of wine prior to bed after a hard day at work, the beers at the local pub cheering on my Florida Gators. What harm was this?
Throughout college, I believed indulging in a glass of wine was the classy thing to do. Sure, it helped with the stress of studying, taking the edge off on an occasional night. And blacking out when going out to clubs was normal, right? More and more, I would find myself with those nights and it was regarded as the “highlight of the night.” These nights became more frequent as I graduated college and became a professional. Social anxiety grabbed a hold of me and led to more and more drinks in order to feel comfortable in my skin in social engagements, whether they were dates or with friends.
I experienced multiple failed romantic relationships. Dates turned into drunken nights, sexual interactions and blurred mornings of the nights before. My focus became more and more on feeding my anxiety the toxic medicine it needed and less on pursuing meaningful relationships. While initially I chose men that I felt worthy of, my selection became more and more about “having someone” and especially on having someone to drink with. Somehow, my brain interpreted this as more acceptable.
As I realized that alcohol was becoming an issue, in more ways than one, I sought out counseling. Years and years of counseling amounted to lots of bills and a person that wasn’t able to accept that she had a problem.
Strained and failed relationships are but a fraction of the consequences that I faced because of addiction. As my body craved more and more alcohol, I found myself spending more and more of my paycheck on bottles of wine. One or two glasses a night of a $30 bottle turned into one $15 bottle which eventually turned into a box of wine. Before I knew it, the woman who considered herself young and healthy was strewn with health issues characteristic of an older adult. The woman who had a lucrative career had debt that she couldn’t keep up with. Alcohol didn’t care that I had become a successful professional. It was slowly seeping into every facet of my life.
Addiction is sneaky
It all begins with an idea.
Addiction is sneaky. It is non-biased and can threaten even the most strong willed of people. It is evil and can rip apart your life like a tornado spiraling in on your home. And that’s what it did. It pulled up my roots and threatened everything I had.
Until one day when I fought back.
One day I was having a glass of wine in celebration with friends and the next day I was drinking in dark isolation. An activity that is widely considered socially acceptable morphed into my being and became a part of who I was.
Alcohol brought me happiness, discourse, peace, anger, guilt, and sorrow. Alcohol and I had a relationship that allowed me to feel so many different emotions. It had a toxic hold on me for more than a decade.
I am writing this blog to share my experiences with addiction. The recollections I have of this time period come with immense pain, regret, anger, and sorrow. These memories have led to growth and healing (even under the wing of addiction) and allowed me to be transparent with my past. I am writing this blog to share my story, and to hopefully inspire others to be a version of themselves they didn’t believe possible.
Today marks 201 days sober.